What Nurse Leaders Can Learn from a Litigator

By Rose O. Sherman, EdD, RN, NEA-BC, FAAN

I first became aware of Jefferson Fisher when I heard him interviewed by Mel Robbins on her podcast. While his vocation is being a trial lawyer, his true passion is helping people communicate more effectively, especially during challenging situations. As I have listened to his podcast and read his new book, The Next Conversation: Argue Less, Talk More, I realized how much of what Jefferson discusses about the lessons he learned in the courtroom can be effectively applied in nursing leadership practice. In many ways, what nurse leaders encounter with patient and family experiences is similar to what lawyers, such as Jefferson, experience in the courtroom with their clients and opponents.

Some of my key learnings from Fisher’s work include the following:

Choose courage over comfort in difficult conversations. Being direct with someone does not mean you lack empathy or consideration for the feelings of another. Being direct means you have the self-assurance to respect the other person, yet communicate your feelings openly without fear.
When people escalate rapidly out of control, it usually means they are having another conversation in their head that you are not part of. Fisher explains that he sees this happening all the time in courtrooms with plaintiffs, defendants, and witnesses. Something is taking over their emotions that may have nothing to do with what is happening in the moment. When you see this happen, ask yourself what else is at play here? Who am I talking to, and how can I change the conversation to try to find out what it is? Ask questions like, “What is your biggest struggle or challenge right now?” You seem very upset – what is happening in your life?
Winning an argument is a losing game, as it rarely gets you what you want or need. Instead, Fisher recommends that you work to connect with that person to try to understand their perspective and unravel the knot. Behind every harsh and uncut word, there is a backstory. Have the discipline to peel back the layers of the argument to discern the struggle, the fear, and the hope. This is where honest communication begins. Conflict can be a catalyst for positive change.
Enter a conversation to learn something versus proving something. Set goals for conversations, such as points you hope to help them understand, small steps that show I am listening, and clarity around assumptions that I may be making.
Choose your words wisely. The words you use to form your thoughts will significantly influence your emotions, mindset, and ultimately your reality.
You can’t control other people in a conversation, but you can control yourself by taking a moment to gain clarity before you begin talking. Fisher recommends doing a scan of your physical and emotional state before you engage in a challenging conversation. Label what you are feeling and don’t engage if you can’t control your own emotions. The person who is most in control in a conversation is the person in control of themselves.
Silence is the most effective tool at your disposal to fix communication problems. Slow down and pause to avoid an argument. Pauses give you the power to decide if having a conversation with this person is worth my peace of mind.
Ask yourself whether something you are about to say needs to be said, does it need to be said now, and am I the right person to say it? Every time you hold back words, you are putting your value, confidence, and power on display.
When someone is rude to you, insults you, or belittles you, a long pause is your greatest weapon. People expect others to fight back immediately, and when you don’t, it can throw them off their game. When you do begin to speak, use these steps: 1. Have them repeat what they said. This is effective because no one expects this. 2. Ask a question about what they were trying to achieve with their comment. Examples include: Did you intend to be rude, or were you trying to hurt me with that comment?
When someone lies to you, use a very long pause before responding. Fisher contends that lawyers frequently deal with witnesses who blatantly lie about events. When you respond with silence, dishonest people quickly realize that you are not taking the bait and will often dig themselves further into a hole with their responses.
Stop over-apologizing, especially about things over which you have little control. The problem with over-apologizing is that it takes a toll on your mindset and confidence. If your emergency department is backed up (again) – don’t tell waiting patients that you are sorry they have to wait. Instead, thank them for their patience during this busy time.
Say less. Real confidence is the ability to hold back, demonstrating value in situations. Don’t feel like you need to talk and stop overexplaining. When you do speak, the fewer words you use, the clearer your points will be.
When you disagree, opt for phrases that signal viewpoints, not verdicts on the veracity of their argument. Fisher suggests prefacing a differing perspective with one of the following statements: “I see things differently,” “I would opt for a different approach,” or “I tend to lean in an opposite direction on this.“

Effective communication is a key competency in leadership. Conversations can be game changers or relationship destroyers. We can all get better at building our skills, so why not learn from a litigator who spends countless hours each year in difficult conversations?

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