Knowing What You Can and Can’t Control

By Rose O. Sherman, EdD, RN, NEA-BC

Nurses love to be in control, as do their leaders. But right now, you have less control than you want. Consider the story a manager told us on a recent webinar, “I used to think that if I were a great manager, no one would ever want to leave my unit. I have seriously lowered my expectations about this over the past two years. One of my senior nurses came in the other day with the news that she was moving to a competitor. She told me she needed the sign-on bonus to pay her bills but was sure it would not be as good a culture as what she was leaving.” I almost lost control when she left my office. I have been a manager for years, but things are definitely in turmoil, and control is the last emotion I feel right now.

This manager asked me how she could regain her feelings of control. Here is the hard part – the feelings of control that she once felt were an illusion. An illusion of control is our inherent belief that we have control over all things that happen in a situation when, in fact, we do not. COVID-19 has unveiled how much is not within our control. When we fail to recognize this, it is easy to lapse into feelings of powerlessness. We talked about what she did have control over, which included her actions and reactions. Control the controllable. She admitted that quite a bit of her ego is wrapped up in “having it all together -all the time.”

During uncertainty, we need to stay present and manage our emotions. When we face difficulty, becoming very anxious about the future is easy. We look for reassurance that our lives will get back on track quickly. You really can’t live in the future today. It is a lesson that alcoholics who go through the alcoholic anonymous 12-step program quickly learn – one day at a time. And so that is the way that living through this current turbulence needs to be approached.

Henry Cloud has noted that life is a delicate balance of holding on and letting go. Sometimes you need to know when to hold them and when to fold them. Learning to let go is difficult but essential. Continuing to ruminate about what has happened doesn’t fix anything, nor does wishing that things were different. When in a crisis, it is vital to think about what is right in your life to calm and centering you. A positive outcome of problems is that letting go of one thing in our lives opens other doors we might not consider walking through if we stay in our comfort zone. Byron Katie has written, “If you want real control, drop the illusion of control; let life have you. It does, anyway. You are just telling yourself a story of how much it doesn’t.” This is good advice for all of us at this time.

© emergingrnleader.com 2023

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Other Programs/Books Your Leaders May Find Valuable

From Traditional Nurse Leader to Nurse Leader Coach – Click Here for the Flyer

For new leaders and emerging leaders, consider doing The Nuts and Bolts of Nursing Leadership Program – Click Here for the Nuts and Bolts Flyer Final

New Leader Development Option in 2023 – Team Coaching Designed to the Unique Needs of Your Organization  Leader Coaching Brochure

Read the Nurse Leader Coach – Available at Amazon and Other Book Sellers

Recommended Book by the Association of Critical Care Nurses – The Nuts and Bolts of Nursing Leadership: Your Toolkit for Success