Challenging Different Organizational Expectations When You Don’t Have Kids

By Rose O. Sherman, EdD, RN, NEA-BC, FAAN

I am always intrigued by interesting questions and situations our blog readers pose.  One struck a chord recently when a leader wrote that the culture in her organization is such that time off is prioritized to accommodate those who have kids versus those that don’t. This experienced leader tells the following story:

I don’t have kids. I have found in multiple institutions that expectations of me as a leader are different than those with kids. There is an unspoken assumption that they should be accommodated over me. It is expected that I am the first manager in and the last one out & that I can always stay later to assist if a last-minute problem arises. Yes, I am never late to work because a child wakes up ill, nor do I have to leave work early to pick up kids from school. Yet, I have been asked to help other units/ go into a staffing assignment so a manager could be home with her children. Would you happen to have any advice on how to help better advocate for myself?

I could relate to this story. I remember my first nursing position when my nurse manager (who I loved) came to me and asked me to give up my four days off over Christmas so that other nurses who had kids could stay home and celebrate. I was a newlywed, and my husband had just returned from a military deployment. We planned to spend Christmas out of the area with his family. I graciously said no and gave my reasons why. My nurse manager was respectful and honored my request, but not without me feeling guilty, even though it was my turn to have Christmas off.

When I later became a leader and parent, I could better see the situation’s nuances. Nurses who were parents would come and beg me to find someone to work the holiday so they could be with their kids. I worked hard to be accommodating but also realized that just because a nurse has no kids does not mean they don’t want or need the time off to be with family or friends. Some nurses I found played the “kid card” a lot even when they had family and friends who could help.

This leader’s point is a good one. Organizations strive today to have family friendly cultures. Her leaders seem to take for granted that she will happily step in without anyone ever having a direct conversation with her to discuss how this is shifting the expectations for her role and whether that’s feasible for her. The assumption seems to be that just because she does not have children, she has fewer responsibilities and is better able to shift her schedule. She needs to become a better advocate for herself.

My advice is to become more proactive. Let your supervisor know how you feel. If she is asked to go to another unit for a staffing assignment because another manager needs to go home, she could respond with,  While I’m happy to help out in an extreme emergency, but it’s not sustainable for me to continue filling in for other managers as often as I’ve needed to recently. Like others, I have personal responsibilities and need my time off so I don’t burn out. While, I think it’s great that we’re being so family-friendly. But the burden of making that possible is falling heavily on me. Is there something that we can do so that I’m not the one shouldering the weight of helping other managers get a flexible schedule?” 

If this reader keeps doing what she is doing – it will keep happening. More important is that she will build up resentment which makes work less satisfying. Self-advocacy in leadership is critically important – especially today.

© emergingrnleader.com 2023

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