When a Staff Member has a Difficult Personality

By Rose O. Sherman, EdD, RN, NEA-BC, FAAN

Dealing with difficult staff can be challenging, especially for new managers. The well known Buddist Pema Chodron has noted that “difficult people are our greatest teachers.” The reason that they are great teachers is that when working with them, we learn a great deal about ourselves. Especially difficult personalities for nurse leaders include staff who demonstrate the following types of behaviors:

Refuse to accept professional accountability and blame others.
Speak negatively about the leadership in their organization.
Are so defensive that you can’t have a conversation.
Gossip and create drama in the unit.
Have a negative attitude that impacts morale.

When working with difficult personalities, I recommend that an initial step is to do some reflection. Sometimes it is the leader who causes problems and has interpersonal challenges. Leaders need to ask themselves the following questions: Am I being difficult? Is it mostly them? Is it mostly me? Do I have this same problem with other staff?

There are also different levels of difficult personalities. Sometimes the person that we are calling difficult is just different from us. Their attitudes and values are hard to relate to. This is sometimes the case when there is a generational gap. A Generation X leader recently told me on a webinar that she was finding the neediness of new Generation Z graduates to be intolerable. A second level of being difficult is when a staff member does not have the necessary skills and talents to do an effective job – and despite coaching does not change. The third level of being difficult is the most challenging. These are genuinely toxic staff members. They try to control situations, create drama, gossip, bully, or lie to their leaders.

I recommend to leaders that they know their triggers regarding behaviors that make them truly mad. A perioperative leader shared with me that she grew up with immigrant parents who believed that there should be no idle time in one’s life. One of her OR nurses infuriated her because she spent, in the words of the director – “too much time social loafing.” I suggested that she check her perceptions with others to see if the behavior is truly difficult or whether her expectations of others were too grounded in her own life experiences.

Difficult personalities often develop these behaviors because it results in the outcome they desire. A nurse who blames others and is very defensive may learn over time that leaders stop confronting her about her behavior because it takes too much energy to engage in a conversation. Yet we know that behaviors you walk past as a leader, you tolerate. Difficult staff count on being able to wear you down.

Emotional regulation on the part of the leader is key. Ultimately, you cannot control the behavior of a difficult staff member, but you can manage your response. Your goal should either be to help them change the behavior or change your behavior (much easier). Some key tips that I give to new leaders include the following:

Do a cognitive rehearsal with an experienced leader prior to having a discussion with a difficult staff member.
Remember ultimately only the individual can change their behavior – you can’t force change.
Don’t take it personally if they accuse you of being the problem – often you are observing very longstanding behaviors.
Set boundaries in the conversation.
Depersonalize discussions and keep them future-focused and solutions-oriented.
Listen with neutrality – acknowledge their feelings – whether or not you agree. You can say, you are entitled to your opinion.
Try empathy – it can be difficult to be stuck in a place of anger.
Hold your ground – don’t let your authority be challenged but don’t get defensive.
Use fewer words yourself – embrace silence. Words are the weapons of difficult people and they count on you to overreact.
Ask good questions such as: What are you trying to achieve with this behavior? What did you expect the reaction to be with what happened here? How do you think this conversation will play out? How have you contributed to this situation?

Taking on the challenge of trying to deal with difficult behavior is not for the faint of heart. That is why leaders often don’t do it. But remember, your team is always watching. A truly difficult person impacts everyone. It affects morale, communication, and, ultimately, patient outcomes. Once you demonstrate the courage to tackle one of these situations – your confidence in your abilities will grow. People follow courageous leaders, so it is worth the energy.

References

Branson R.M. Coping with Difficult People. New York: Dell; 1988.

Patterson, K., Grenny, J., McMillan, R. & Switzler, A. (2012). Crucial conversations: Tools for talking when the stakes are high. New York: McGraw-Hill.

Wakeman C Y. No ego: How leaders can cut the cost of workplace drama, end entitlement, and drive big results. St Martins Press, NY; 2017.

Don’t let nurse leaders in your organization go without development in 2020. Virtual programs include Nurse Leader Coaching, Coaching Staff to Promote Resilience and Leading Teams in Turbulent Times, or schedule your customized Nuts and Bolts of Nursing Leadership Virtual Workshop taught by experts for either new or experienced leaders. Nuts and Bolts Flyer

Read Rose Sherman’s book available now – The Nurse Leader Coach: Become the Boss No One Wants to Leave