Stop Apologizing For Things You Don't Control

By Rose O. Sherman, EdD, RN, NEA-BC, FAAN

There are times in leadership when apologizing for things outside your control can be the right thing to do, but not always. So many nurse leaders today tell me that they are saying “I am sorry” multiple times each day, and it is burning them out. Consider the story below from a young manager:

For a long time, I thought my burnout was all about my frustrations with staffing and scheduling. I recently stopped and realized how much I was continually apologizing for things I had no control over. I told a group of anxious physicians concerned about having so many inexperienced nurses on the unit that I was sorry we could not recruit more experienced staff. I told a patient’s family I was sad that the discharge was held up when a physician did not write the order. I told my night charge nurse I was sorry that we were again short-staffed on nights. Day after day, I repeatedly apologize because things are not how they should be. I was once proud of the care we gave, but so much is falling through the cracks that I am no longer. What should I do? Should I stop saying I am sorry when I am? It is eating at my soul.

The irony about apologizing is that it can not only eat at your self-esteem but also decrease the respect others have for you. The implication of saying “I am sorry” is that you have control over the situation and contributed to a mistake. Some strategies we discussed to help modify her behavior and feel less stressed included the following:

1. Be more self-aware.

The first step here is to assess your behaviors and tendencies. Are you on autopilot when saying you are sorry and assuming blame? Knowing whether you are doing this will help you to carefully observe a situation before immediately blurting out the words “I’m sorry.” It may also help to keep a tally of how many times you apologize in a day and for what reasons.

2. Know what you should (and shouldn’t) apologize for.

There’s no need to apologize if you couldn’t control the situation or it was a trivial (and honest) mistake. But if you were really at fault, own up to it. Admitting you’re wrong is never easy, but it can strengthen your relationships and show emotional intelligence.

3. Flip your script.

Have other ways to respond to situations instead of saying I am sorry, such as:

I appreciate your patience that things are running late – we are working on it.

Here is what I tried today to get additional staff for the night tour, but was not successful – do you have any other ideas?

I can imagine how frustrating it is for you to come in each day and see different nurses – I am working on rebuilding our team.

I have reviewed the schedule and can’t give you that day off. You may want to check with these staff and arrange coverage.

It is frustrating that nurses have not yet rounded on your Dad – what can I do for him right now?

Thank you for waiting – we will get that done now.

Whatever you say, be authentic and let the other person know you have heard what they said. There’s no need to go out of your way and apologize simply because you feel bad about a situation. Sometimes it is what it is, and apologizing can damage your health and well-being. There are many things in our work and life today that we don’t have control over, but this is one that we do.

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