Recovering after a Negative Conversation

By Rose O. Sherman, EdD, RN, FAAN, NEA-BC

There are few leaders that exquisitely manage every conversation that they have with a boss, a peer or a staff member. But what do you do if you have really bungled a conversation and now worry that the relationship is damaged – maybe beyond repair. That was a question I was recently asked by a colleague who lashed out during an executive meeting at another senior leader in her organization. The discussion was about the medical center budget and quickly defaulted to suggestions to cut labor costs, especially in nursing. A non-clinical senior leader made some comments about what she was noticing during leadership rounding regarding nursing productivity. My colleague felt she was way off base and grandstanding in front of the CEO. She responded by making it very personal – suggesting that this senior leader lacked understanding about healthcare delivery and professional roles (she had come from a banking background). The room went silent and it was uncomfortable. The CEO quickly moved to another topic but clearly was not pleased with the encounter.

My colleague knew that she had “gone limbic”, felt terrible and was unsure about what her next step should be. Leadership expert, Sabina Nawaz, posted some great ideas about this in a May 2019 Harvard Business Review Article. I found the following to be useful steps in this situation:

Acknowledge Your Mistake – Take full accountability for your actions by acknowledging to the senior leader that what you did wrong. Mention you’d like to discuss the incident in more detail to figure out how to avoid the negative behavior in the future. Give your colleague time and space to process what you are saying. Suggest a time to talk about the incident more in-depth. Consider what in the conversation triggered the loss of emotional control and how this can be avoided in the future.
Apologize and Assume Good Intentions – An apology might not be enough to mend a damaged relationship in this situation. My colleague needs to assume good intentions on the part of the senior director and respect her role on the executive team. She needs to look for ways to show appreciation for her efforts.
Highlight Your Overall Goal – Rather than rehashing the specifics of what happened in this situation, talk about what your overall goal is. My colleague needed to rebuild a working relationship and look for ways that they could partner on projects together in the future.
Seek Mutual Ways to Prevent a Future Conversation Like This – Work together to develop ways to avoid future mishaps. My colleague could suggest that the senior leader should come to her if she has concerns about anything she observes when doing leadership rounds. She could offer to explain staffing metrics if the leader is interested and round together.

In addition to meeting with her peer leader, my colleague should also apologize to the CEO and let him know what actions she is taking to rebuild the relationship. In his work, the late Stephen Covey talked about the emotional piggy bank upon which trust is built. Deposits will need to be made into the bank over time to rebuild trust. A key thing to remember is that anyone can have a moment of poor judgment and angry words. When you have the maturity to repair the damage, you have to potential to emerge with stronger connections and increased respect.

Read Rose Sherman’s new book available now – The Nurse Leader Coach: Become the Boss No One Wants to Leave