What am I not saying that needs to be said?

By Rose O. Sherman, EdD, RN, NEA-BC, FAAN

In a recent Smart Leader brief, author Jerry Colana discussed how conflict avoided is usually only conflict postponed. His observation made me think about a situation recently presented to me by a nurse leader involving one of her staff nurses. She was concerned about the abrupt approach that this preceptor was using with new staff. Her behavior did not create an atmosphere of psychological safety. New nurses were afraid to ask questions.

The manager had tried to give the preceptor feedback using what is commonly called the “the sandwich approach”. She started with something positive – then attempted to give the feedback – then ended with something positive. The message was not heard nor was it being transmitted in a clear manner. The nurse continued her behavior and the conflict with new staff continued to escalate.

Brene Brown notes in her book Dare to Lead that “clear is kind while unclear is unkind.” In her work with leaders, she has found that they tell her that we need braver leaders and more courageous cultures. She reports that some leaders acknowledge they lack courage while others lack skills. Many talk about the cultural norm of “nice and polite” that’s leveraged as an excuse to avoid tough conversations. Yet, feeding people half-truths to make them feel better (which is almost always about making ourselves feel more comfortable) is unkind.

If the preceptor does not change her approach and improve her emotional intelligence, there is a risk that she will derail. This leader believes that the preceptor could improve with help but is not currently on this pathway. This case situation illustrates what happens we don’t clearly say what needs to be said (and heard). The sandwich approach may work with some staff but others may need much more direct communication even if it results in conflict or a confrontation. In this case, the Situation – Behavior – Impact – Change Needed Moving Forward would have been a better strategy. Brown notes that armoring up and protecting our egos rarely leads to productive, kind, and respectful conversations or behavioral change.

Read to Lead

Brown, B. (2018). Dare to Lead: Brave Work, Tough Conversations, Whole Hearts. New York: Random House.

Read Rose Sherman’s new book available now – The Nurse Leader Coach: Become the Boss No One Wants to Leave