By Rose O. Sherman, EdD, RN, NEA-BC, FAAN
A new nurse manager recently told me about a staff member who sent her an email that seemed very rude and copied most of the unit staff. The manager was very upset with the email and automatically assumed the worst – that the staff member was being very disrespectful. I told her to just sit with the staff member and talk with her about the problem discussed in the email. I suggested she tell her that she tell the staff member that she was surprised about the email because she is such a great nurse and strong contributor to the unit. When she did this, she learned that the previous manager was somewhat indifferent to staff requests for time off and this nurse had learned to be passive aggressive to get her requested time off. As it turned out, the request for a very legitimate albeit sad reason – her son had leukemia and had a treatment schedule. When this manager heard the whole story, she told me she felt terrible. She had made assumptions that just were not true about the behavior of the staff nurse. She apologized to her and reassured her that this would never happen again as long as she was in the role.
The point of the story is that we often assume intent in situations that may not be accurate. We all have the power to assume either positive or negative intent in situations. When we become frustrated with someone, it’s easy to allow your inner monologue to tell the story of hate and mistrust. It almost feels natural to turn those who hurt us into villains in our head. But life is never that simple. When we managed staff, it is easy to get wrapped up in our internal drama and then triangulate–that is, divide up the staff between those who “get” us and those who don’t.
Stephen Covey suggests that the way to get better in our relationships is the simple act of “assuming good intentions.” People are rarely thinking about us as much as we would like to believe. It is so easy to feel slighted at a comment from a staff member or colleague with considering that maybe we are just overreacting. By assuming good intentions from the speaker, we can stop the natural instinct to take “offense” at an off-handed comment directed in our general direction and instead focus on the issue that is being raised in the discussion. This type of patience as a leader requires a keen sense of focus and hard work. It means that we don’t always jump to take things personally.
In an interview with Fortune magazine, Indra Nooyi, Chairman & CEO of Pepsi, says that her father was a strong believer in assuming the positive intent and she adopted it as her leadership philosophy. She said, “When you assume negative intent, you’re angry. If you take away that anger and assume positive intent, you will be amazed. Your emotional quotient goes up because you are no longer almost random in your response. You don’t get defensive. You don’t scream. You are trying to understand and listen because at your basic core you are saying, ‘Maybe they are saying something to me that I’m not hearing.’ So ‘assume positive intent’ has been a huge piece of advice for me.
If you assume positive intent, your relationships with others will be better. It will make you feel better, your relationships will thrive and it’s an approach more greatly aligned with reality.
Read to Lead
Covey, Stephen M.R. (2010) The speed of trust: The one thing that changes everything. Free Press.
© emergingrnleader.com 2018
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