Emotional Self-Control - Emerging Nurse Leader

By Rose O. Sherman, EdD, RN, NEA-BC, FAAN

I am coaching a leader who has destroyed a great deal of her credibility over an incident in which she did not maintain good self-control. The sad part is that this was just one incident in a long and successful career but it has had a significant impact on how she is now viewed in her organization. Through her career, she has been able to manage her stress and control her impulse to lash out. Some unique personal circumstances make this more challenging today for her.

Self-management is a key component of emotional intelligence. It is our ability to control impulsive feelings and behaviors, manage your emotions in healthy ways, take initiative, follow through on commitments, and adapt to changing circumstances. This is especially important in highly charged situations where we may feel threatened or psychologically unsafe. I say control because it does not mean we don’t feel the emotion. We do need to process our emotions but context matters – doing it in the workplace is usually not the right place.

What happened with my colleague is that she experienced what is often called an amygdala highjacking. The amygdala holds a privileged position in the brain. If the amygdala detects a threat, in an instant it can highjack the rest of the brain—particularly the prefrontal cortex— or our executive function where we control our emotions. We are not flexible in how we respond during these highjackings – it is our limbic system in full motion defending us.

Some might say – just avoid or walk away for the stress but in leadership, this is not always possible. More practical advice is to prepare before engaging in something that will likely cause a negative reaction or have the possibility of conflict. Take a few deep breaths. Do a cognitive rehearsal is that helps. Remember what you want to accomplish or get out of the situation. Leaders who embrace the reality of disagreement are often better prepared to deal with things as they come. A leader may be less likely to respond automatically with anger or frustration when they have prepared themselves for the possibility of conflict.

It is unclear whether this leader can regain the trust of her colleagues in her current environment over time. Hopefully, she can. It is always important to remember that trust in a leader’s ability to maintain self-control is like a forest – it is built over time but can be destroyed with one match.

Reference

Goleman, D., (1995) Emotional Intelligence, New York, NY, England: Bantam Books, Inc.

Read Rose Sherman’s new book available now – The Nurse Leader Coach: Become the Boss No One Wants to Leave