Becoming Less Defensive - Emerging Nurse Leader

By Rose O. Sherman, EdD, RN, NEA-BC, FAAN

A new nurse manager asked my advice on how she could become less defensive. She noticed that every time her director offered a suggestion about how something could have been done differently, she found herself reacting to what she was perceived as criticism. On one level, she knew her reaction was irrational but she was also having trouble managing her own emotions. Her new job was difficult enough, she explained, without getting an ongoing critique on how she was doing.

Acting defensively is a common human behavior but can be very problematic in leadership. This young manager is new to her role and may not yet feel psychologically safe. When feedback is given, her brain is perceiving it as a threat to her security and issues a protective response. The response might be to either withdraw and ruminate about the situation or to counter attack. The good news here is that the manager is self-aware of what she is doing and wants to change. Some actions she can take moving forward to gain control of her emotions include the following:

Evaluate if defensiveness is a pattern and what comments are likely to trigger it. Defensive behavior is often complicated. For many people, their behavioral patterns stem from emotional, mental, or personality issues/tendencies developed over the course of their lifetimes. Sometimes the way things are said can trigger defensiveness if there is a feeling of being judged. The challenge is that defensiveness can become a cycle. The new manager might end up reacting to everything said by her director. It is important to know what your individual triggers are to gain control. This young manager needs to explore why she feels so threatened with the feedback she is receiving.
Manage expectations about her interactions with her director. Sometimes we have unrealistic expectations of how we will be treated by others. Some directors will be much less supportive than others in the way they present feedback. It probably is not at all personal and the director may even believe that he or she is being very helpful. Approaching the relationship as a collaborative one where you both have similar goals is a good approach. Recognize that you don’t have to take every piece of advice is key. Remind yourself that listening to what someone else says is not the same as accepting or agreeing with it. If you don’t agree with the approach suggested – you can simply say that it is an interesting alternative that you will think about.
Ask yourself how you might be wrong about the situation. When we evaluate situations, we are doing it through our own lens which could be a gut reaction rather than a rational evaluation of what is occurring. It is often helpful to ask whether there is another possibility in the situation. It could be that the director sees this manager as a high potential leader and wants to help her in critically thinking through leadership situations. The director may not even perceive the feedback as criticism but rather a different way to approach the situation. It is important to consider that growth in any new role is rarely comfortable but rather often an emotional rollercoaster.

A regular pattern of defensiveness comes with consequences. It can destroy relationships and derail a career. If your intention is to become successful in your leadership career, then you must learn to enjoy correction and make the necessary changes required to advance.