Taming the Advice Monster - Emerging Nurse Leader

By Rose O. Sherman, EdD, RN, NEA-BC, FAAN

I was recently talking with a new manager. I asked her about the most important lessons she was learning about being a leader. She smiled and said – I am learning when to talk and when to just listen. She explained that when she started in her role, staff would come into her office with a problem. She would immediately jumped into action to either solve the problem or give advice. But what she soon found out was that in many situations, staff just wanted to vent about a situation and did not want her to act or even give them advice. They really wanted to solve many of their own problems. So she has shifted what she does in these conversations. I am taming the advice monster in me, she said and now simply ask is this a problem that you would like my help with or do you just want to tell me about it and vent.

This nurse manager is rapidly gaining wisdom and moving from “manager in charge of all issues” to a leader coach. Lets face it, we all love to give others advice. It is a way that we see ourselves adding value. Leaders often get promoted because they have such good judgement. It is also easier at times to just tell others what to do rather than letting them figure it out for themselves. But being an advice monster in a leadership role can lead to staff overdependence on us and we can easily get overwhelmed when we take on the issues of others.

Michael Bungay Stanier, an expert leadership coach, recommends that to tame the advice monster in you – ask better questions and make them open ended even when every fiber in your body is dying to solve the problem. This involves a change in behavior especially when you have the advice monster habit. Think about this – most people probably won’t listen or act on your advice even when excellent. Leaders often get frustrated when staff don’t follow through on the advice that they are given but often don’t stop to think about whether the advice was even wanted.

The following are five great open-ended coaching questions that you may want to tape to your computer:

What’s on Your Mind? (then be silent and listen)

And What Else? (avoid being an advice monster)

What is the real challenge here for you?

What do you want?

How can I help?

Bungay-Stanier also recommends that we should be aware of how advice monster likes to hide by asking questions that seem open ended but are not – the fake question as he calls. This is when you take a piece of advice and attach a question mark at the end.

The fake question actually giving advice might sound like this:

“Have you considered…?”

“Did you try…?”

“Have you thought of…?”

“What about the…?”

That. Don’t do that.

There are times in leadership when you will be asked for advice and it is OK to give it. But don’t rush into the advice giving mode. New leaders must work to avoid this because you may want to be seen as having all the answers otherwise staff may not think you are competent. Just telling staff what to do does not promote their growth and can lead to learned helplessness. The most effective leaders instead work to develop others and curb their advice monster.

Read to Lead

Bungay-Stanier, M. (2016). The Coaching Habit: Say Less, Ask More and Change the Way You Lead Forever. Toronto: Box of Crayons.